About Me

​I started to recognize a pattern--I'd feel okay-ish until Saturday afternoon. Then the anxiety set in. Sunday's were challenging. I'd go to church, listen, participate, teach, but I always left church feeling horrible about myself. That feeling stayed with me for the next couple of days. I usually saw my therapist on Tuesday's and I'd finally start to feel less anxious, less down on myself. By Thursday and Friday, I was in a decent enough head and heart space. Then, Saturday rolled around and the whole thing started again. I went through this for years and never even questioned that maybe the thing that made me feel so horrible was church itself. Instead of asking if there was something wrong with the church, I believed there was something wrong with me.

​

But I loved God, I loved learning about faith and spirituality, I enjoyed my church community. It was, unwittingly, my whole identity. So, how does one start to deconstruct the very foundation of one's identity? This is often the crux of a faith crisis. 

My natural curiosity and love of learning led me to years of studying the scriptures and reading books on faith and spirituality. I had developed a deep relationship with God and fully believed He would answer my prayers. Then, in my darkest hour, when all I asked for was to simply know if I mattered to God, the heavens were silent. This sent me in a tail-spin. I felt abandoned by God, I began to question if God even existed. It was the loneliest time of my life and I wondered if life was worth living.

​

I doubled down. I doubted my doubts. But as I started reading about other people's faith journeys, both within Mormonism and other religions, I began to see doubt as a gift and opened myself up to learning from the darkness. From Barbara Brown Taylor's book Learning to Walk in the Dark, I learned about "endarkenment," which is the process of finding God and meaning in darkness, doubt, and the spiritual wilderness. I began to question my stories, to ask myself, "what if something else is true?" I slowly let go of all of the "shoulds" of church. And I began to experience peace. 

​

My journey has led me from a belief in God as a male, fatherly figure, to a brief period of atheism, to landing as a hopeful agnostic, to currently sensing that there is a greater force out there that is simply Love and Light. This force carries no judgment, no tests, no demands to prove myself. It is pure acceptance. I no longer try to put the divine in a box, I just try to remain open to whatever Love can teach me. And as I learn to accept myself, I actually show up with more love and compassion for everyone.

​

There is a lot more to my story, but this provides a general outline. I am not an "angry ex Mormon" determined to lead people away from the church. I see both the beauty and ugliness in the church. For me, my faith has evolved and changed, leading me to leave the church. For others, the church is still the right place for them. The beauty of a faith crisis is that you get to determine what is right for you. No one else can tell you. Church leaders, family members, dissenters--no one knows what your path or journey will be. You get to be the architect and designer of your own spiritual life.